Gracefully Creep In
by scullyseviltwin
Summary: Forget, forget that's what I need to do. So in order to start forgetting, I have to stop speculating on all the skin, the blood, the heat and love that is you. That's what needs to start happening... right now.
1. Gracefully Creep In

A/N: Thank you to my lovely Lauren, who rocks my world. Also, thank you to Marlou even though my internet connection screwed us up... and to Kirsten for fighting off the AOL demons. **This is based upon a song by Averi... if you want it, email me. And can't kick me off because I have lyrics in this. MAHAH, I asked them at thier last concert if I could use em and they said yes. So there. BWAH!

* * *

** Two steps make me think back to that time that I took your hand in mine. For a person so strong you felt ever so frail, thin and scared. If I'd had the courage then I would have wrapped you up solid and whole in my embrace. I can't bear to think of you frightened, or weak, or falling.

So stop falling for me.

There's nothing here worth falling for except a battered, selfish and old man; a man who lives for science and science alone. I've never thought to breathe for anything else. I can't breathe for you Sara; you have to do that for yourself. You can't keep wanting to live for me. You can't live for me if I don't want to live for me. Do you understand that?

I've never known how to live for anything else but something in me thinks it might be right, might be logical, might be okay to live for you. But, but, but the inevitable but...

Hell, I don't even understand that; I don't know what I'm thinking, don't know why I'm thinking any of this in the first place.

I'm so very confused. I think I don't want you but I know I do and then I can't have you and then I think that I can. It's like you're constantly throwing me passes and I'm standing in the end zone, fumbling all of them. But then again, maybe you just can't throw.

You are a brilliant, gorgeous, feisty, vivacious woman who would shrivel and die if you were to be with me. I give Sara, I give but I can't help taking at the same time. It would be amazing if you could love me, but I don't know if there would be a time or a place where you would be able to live with me. I can't be the cause of your death. I can't begin to imagine the sadness of you losing your luster because of me.

The things you do to my insides, make me think that perhaps love can be real, that it can matter to me for once in my life. I set you apart from the beginning Sara, and it's slowly beginning to kill me.

Love someone else. There are other men who would be able to treat you infinitely better than I ever would. They may not adore you the way I do, have the history with you that I do or love you as endlessly as I do but they'd be better for you Sara.

Even as I think all of this, turning away from you once more, I can't help but speculate on the fantasy of lying with you.

Even as I push you away I have the need to see your eyes when you wake up, how you smell, how you really feel. I need to taste the skin of your warm stomach and the wonderful haven of your mouth. I need you to grace me with your body and your mind. I need, I need, I need, Sara. I need, but I can't have. I see the difference; you do not.

That's why I've been seeing somebody new, she's nothing like you. She's funny, in a political way and she smiles, all these gorgeous white perfect teeth peeking out at me. Her smile is absolutely nothing like yours. She's intelligent but not witty, so far from original. She's got a name that contains far more than four letters; her past isn't troubled and neither is her present. She doesn't need me, she wants me. Her hair is long, black and gorgeous; she's gorgeous. She is nothing at all like you. There are no oddities to her, no little quirks or traits that make her seem strange; she's not a vegetarian, doesn't enjoy the day. She doesn't listen to jazz or sing when she's upset.

She most certainly does not take care of me, but let's me be. There isn't a time when she's been temperamental; she picks up the dinner check and enjoys cheesy chick flicks.

God Sara, she's so perfect and she's not you. I sit here and think of you when I should be thinking of her. No, that's not true; I sit here not thinking of her, when I should be with you.

You need, you want, you love me for more reasons that I can claim to put a finger on.

You gracefully creep into my mind at all hours of the day, slinking about, making your presence known with gentle prods and delicate caresses. It's rather troublesome, and I wish you'd stop doing it. It's cumbersome and distracting, thinking about you, strong and sure and loving me all hours of the day. You're fantastic; you're amazing, wonderful and lovely. Stop it!

Stop being so you, or I'm going to have to stop being so... me. Now I can't even think straight. I guess these case reviews are going to have to wait until tomorrow. I have more important things to think about.

I must think that I'm fooling everyone with this act I'm putting on. I mean, it is pretty good...

Missing you is what I'm doing, putting so much distance between the two of us. As much as I don't want to, and with everything I've said before... I can't help but pretend I'm not missing you. I'm not; I'm not, not, not missing you... or your smile, your laugh or the sound of your voice. But... maybe I am. Maybe I am.

It's difficult to look at us now, to remember what we were because of what we have become. No longer friends, so distant. Just look what we've become, and it's your entire fault.

My fault, rather, it's all my fault. But can't we both be at fault? Is that a possibility?

No, no I need to keep fighting this, this whole thing that isn't between us. I'm just waiting, waiting to forget you, but I can't seem to get the simple thought of you out of my head, I can't get the breath of you out of my lungs. This thing-and I note again that it isn't between us, not at all-is driving me positively insane. I need this thing, I need it to be but it can't. It can't.

I wish I could say that I find myself writing letters to you, telling you all of these things that make me insane. You make me insane, pure and simple and maybe you should know that, maybe I should enlighten you to that fact. Maybe then you'd stop being that amazing, that prepossessing, that much of everything to me.

But imagine... imagine like I imagine. That's silly, you must have. I know you have; you've thought about the two of us together and figured out some sort of complex, time-consuming equation that makes the two of us work. I've never really been good at math, but then again you were a physics major and...

Maybe I need some sleep. But if I sleep, there's a great chance that I'll dream you. Then, there comes the problem of walking into work and facing you, pretending like I'm no watching you disrobe every night in my head. God, you're stunning there, underneath me, over me, touching me like I'm the only thing holding you up. I don't want to discuss how I look in my head (adoring and stupid) because it's not pertinent to my plan of forgetting about you.

Forget, forget that's what I need to do. So in order to start forgetting, I have to stop speculating on all the skin, the blood, the heat and love that is you. That's what needs to start happening... right now.

But maybe, just maybe the two of us...

Sara, honestly, I'm simply falling apart at the thought of you and I.

* * *

I'm waiting to forget, I'm trying to pretend that I'm not missing you again 

When you gracefully creep in, you bring back these feelings...

But I'm not missing you... again.

Averi, 'Gracefully Creep In'


	2. In The Rough

Thank you muchly to binx-349, Emmikins for the beta. And thanks to both her and the loverly as ever Lauren who's constant support is nothing short of crazy awesome. Oh and if you know Anna Nalick, you'll know what I'm talking about.

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I could have died inside myself and it wouldn't have mattered to you. You could have looked into my eyes and watched me die without saying a thing. I don't know if that's a strength or a well-veiled weakness for you. I'll never know. 

"Why now," you ask, looking at me like you're terribly lost. I hope you are; I sure am.

I want to laugh. It's all a game to you, trivial and highly condescending. "Because I've been enlightened, Grissom," I say, smiling that quirky smile I reserve for when I know I'm right. A scientist only gets so many of these moments and I'm going to revel in this one.

I love you, in so few words, I love you so much. It's so true. But I can't stay here, that's also true. Gil Grissom, you are my most prized and coveted mistake. I'll never let you go, I'll surely love you forever because you're the only, the only _only_ one. Watch that hourglass turn and remain stagnant for a second; that second is you dying within me.

But your light is constantly red and I'm speeding at a hundred miles an hour, trying to break through. It never works. It's a perpetual crash and burn for me. I slam into the asphalt, broken and bleeding and still wanting. I should be used to that, but it's just that... I didn't expect you to be the one to break me. Humor has always been lost on me, but if I knew it, I might laugh at this entire situation.

All of those meaningful glances, those double entendres to lead me on… they were all a joke on your part, weren't they? This is so frustrating, to know you want someone so much while knowing at the same time that you're never, _never_ bound to have them.

It's tragic, but hey, that's my life, right? As much as I try to change it I seem to remain cemented here, to this blind space in front of you.

Amazing, and way to go, you had me fooled all along. Go to someone else, to that one you've been holding back on because there has to be someone, you can't be this completely desolate. I know I'm not amazing or gorgeous, but I don't think you'd give up on yourself because of all this. You can't be this alone for this long and still survive.

I came to this city hoping to be found and I'm more lost than ever. Another kind of irony that should be lost on me now but isn't.

I don't begrudge you happiness, though I think that I'm entitled to feel a bit sad for myself. I'm sure I'll find someone else, I don't deny that, I just don't think that I'll love them like I loved, like I love you. How is it you can't even acknowledge how amazing this could have been? We would have been _so_ good. If I told you this, if I confronted you with that awkward truth; would you even take a moment to wonder if you wanted to believe it?

You can think what you want of the attention, of the emotion that I show for you but it's all I know. I could care less now. I'm the one who knows that it's not a fleeting adoration. A crush wouldn't keep me awake all night. A crush would not keep me awake all morning, sobbing into my pillow because for some reason I'm not enough for you. A crush, a crush would not leave me pondering you over a pot of coffee in your favorite diner.

I wouldn't be here, in this office, leaving you if I thought this was somehow fleeting. I love this job almost as much as I do you, and I wouldn't leave without good reason. Crumbling inside, I can't stand to sit here before you anymore, watching you watch me. I've tried to break through, I tried to help, I tried to try and you stood motionless all these years.

You look at me, broken and lost. I almost laugh, after all these years, you finally get it, don't you? "But... but..." and I wait, wait, wait. "But I love you." Humor, god, _god_ I wish I could find it right now. A laugh would be so wonderful right at this damn moment.

You love me? You don't, this is a last ditch attempt to keep me by your side because the prospect of losing your 'comfort blanket' is just too much to bear; the prospect of finding a replacement bears too strongly on this fragile existence you've hastily built.

Nothing I can say will make you believe me; nothing I can do will make you believe, and that's why I'm leaving. That's why I have to leave and take all of this longing with me for the ride.

"Well, Grissom..." I start as I'm getting up out of your visiting chair (visiting, that's all I've been doing all these years) "Maybe some day love will be enough for you." Not today, love isn't enough today. It hasn't been enough these five years. There's a very good chance that it will never be enough for you; I just hope that you don't waste the last years of your life without finding something to fill that void that resides in your eyes.

And there's nothing you could have given me to make me believe except yourself. That's all, _all_. I could have cared less if you'd given me diamonds, showered me with pearls. You, just you, are all I need. I don't need all the added bonuses; I don't need the complimentary gifts. All I've ever, all I'd ever wanted was you, your body and soul as is. Can anyone else truly say that about someone else?

You'll die alone, I offer absolutely no sympathy for that because it's honestly and truly your own damn fault. I could have been the one… I would have loved you so well...

Better off I sparkle on my own, I think.


End file.
